Actively living life while anticipating a death is an exquisite, exhausting dance of celebrating all that is, and all that we must let go. This dance, so necessary, is one of the most difficult to navigate.
Many years ago, while facilitating for a group for caregivers, I posed this question: What are some of the ways you continue to enjoy life while caring for someone who is dying? My question was met with stunned silence. All eyes were on me as I shifted uncomfortably in my chair. The question, intended to stimulate conversation as well as a sense of hope and autonomy, fell completely flat. I sat in the silence, hearing the tick, tick, tick of the clock on the wall. After a few minutes, a soft-spoken woman in her early 70′s quietly said, “There is no time for me.” Her succinct comment unleashed a torrent of emotions in the group. There was anger, despair, frustration, resentment, sadness, and fear – lots of fear.
What I learned that day is that caregivers often feel that they cannot actively enjoy their own lives while caring for someone who is very ill or dying. The demands of providing such a high level of care drains them physically, emotionally, and mentally. They give their all, and lose themselves in the process.
The fact of the matter is that taking care of ourselves helps us be better caregivers. Good self-care is what allows us to help others without feeling alone, depleted, and depressed. With that in mind, I decided to spend the next few group sessions focusing on life, rather than death.
I began our next meeting by asking, “What is it that you love to do?” Again, I was met with uneasy silence. “OK, let’s start at the beginning. Think back to a time when you weren’t taking care of someone who was sick. What did you do with your day? What activities made you feel happy, free, or at peace?” Bam! It was a hit. Everyone began talking at once:
“I was a dancer.”
“I loved to ride my bike up in the hills.”
“I used to get my hair done and wear pretty clothes.”
“I looked forward to going to lunch with my friends on Saturdays.”
“I always enjoyed going to the movies.”
The energy in the room shot up. The bleak facial expressions of the group members started to soften as each person dwelled for a moment in a happier space. They were animated, checked in. For the next 90 minutes, they allowed themselves to drift back to a time when it was okay for them to be focused on themselves, to be spontaneous, even to be idle. “It’s all about balance”, I told them.
How do we, as caregivers, get to that place of giving, without depleting ourselves in the process? Below are some tips to help you achieve the right balance for yourself:
1. Allow yourself time to relax. This doesn’t have to be anything elaborate. It can be as simple as spending 10 minutes a day reading a book you enjoy.
2. Give yourself permission to say no. This is very hard for caregivers, but it is vitally important to attend to our own needs so we can maintain our health and energy.
3. Acknowledge your emotions. Caregivers often hold in their feelings. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, without censoring yourself to make things sound better than they really are.
4. Exercise daily. Exercise is a great way to relieve stress. Even a short walk helps us to replenish ourselves physically and mentally, and the change of scenery can help lift our spirits.
5. Get sufficient rest.
6. Eat nutritious meals.
7. Ask for help. This can be tough for those of us who are used to doing everything for ourselves. Start with something small, like asking someone to make a call for you or having someone pick up a needed item from the store. Over time, it will become easier to reach out when you need it.
8. Laugh. Watch a funny movie, make time to get together with people who have a good sense of humor, or read a funny book.
9. Take a few moments each day to think of something that is beautiful and meaningful to you.
10. Seek professional help. Finding a caring therapist and/or joining a support group can help immeasurably.
Jill Lehman is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in Lafayette, California. She specializes in Grief and Bereavement, providing psychotherapy and grief counseling to individuals, couples, and families. She welcomes your comments and can be reached at http://www.anemptychair.com
(c) Copyright – Jill Lehman
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