Theories about the stages of grief abound, but the idea that there are definitive stages of grief has led to an epidemic of people thinking they aren’t grieving properly. As if grief isn’t hard enough, we now sit in judgment of our grief.
The people who have theorized about the stages of grief never meant for them to be used this way, but this is how they are now being used by the bereaved and professionals alike. They are so ubiquitous they have become little more than a cultural cliché being applied to playoff and political losses as well as actual deaths.
Though it can be argued that grief is grief, it’s important to note that the original research conducted by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was studying recently diagnosed cancer patients. For me, there are significant differences between a population of patients anticipating their own death and people who are grieving the loss of someone they love.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance all sound great and many think they describe a linear path through grief which they do not. Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross recognized this shortcoming but that hasn’t stopped many of us from latching on to this as the way through grief.
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The truth is there is no linear path. Each individual person grieves differently. A variety of responses are common among family members grieving the same loss. And different losses will be experienced differently by the same individual. The disheartening truth is no two deaths are alike.
Yes, we might experience one or all of the 5 stages of grief at some point, but I can think of an endless number of other responses we’re just as likely to experience.
Many responses mimic depression. Some of the most common that fall into this category are exhaustion, the inability to concentrate and sleeplessness. Other feelings like relief (more common than many like to admit) don’t fit neatly into the stages of grief at all.
I’m not saying you ‘re not going to experience these things. There’s a good chance you will, but not necessarily. What I can say with certainty, is that even if you do experience all of these “stages”, you will not experience them in any kind of linear fashion, and you will probably experience each of them many times, not just once before you’re done.
Sticking with the framework of the stages of grief, it would not be unusual for a person to go from denial to depression, back to denial, on to anger, back to depression, then a bit of acceptance only to go back to denial, anger or depression. It is also common for anger and the various symptoms of depression to return years later. These return visits are generally short-lived but speak to the ever evolving and incomplete nature of grief.
So although, the stages of grief describe certain states that may or may not be experienced when you’re grieving a death, there is no way these stages provide a logical path for anyone to follow. Trying to turn them into a linear path creates many more problems than it solves, and does a real disservice to people who are grieving the loss of someone they love.
Susan L. Fuller is the author of ‘How to Survive Your Grief When Someone You Love Has Died’. She is a grief expert who has facilitated bereavement support groups, provided follow up bereavement services for hospice families and trained hospice volunteers . She is licensed in Massachusetts as a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. For more information, go to: http://www.SurviveYourGrief.com
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